Undoubtable and Unchangeably Broken
by JustAnotherLovesickFool
Summary: Jo, couldn't think of anything more painful than emotional hurt. Physical she could deal with, this kind of pain however was not something she could deal with. It wasn't anything she wanted to deal with.
1. Chapter 1

**Undoubtable and Unchangeably Broken**

_Warning: Contains self-harm (cutting). _

She was so angry with him, so angry. Jo held her arms tightly around her legs while hot and angry tears made their way down her cheeks turning the world into one blurry mess. She had been angry with them both when they turned up at her house, barging in to explain they said. Jo Masterson was angry, she had already made up her mind about staying angry. Staying mad at Lacey weren't as hard as she thought it would be, Danny however.

Oh Danny, no matter what he did she could never truly stay mad at him, ever. Maybe it was the way he looked at her. There was no one else in Jo's world that looked at her that way. His dark brown eyes reached into the deepest, parts of herself, the parts she could easily keep hidden from everyone else. And he saw, he saw the real her. Not the person she was trying so hard to become, the person everyone wanted her to become.

_I'm protecting you, I was just trying to protect you._

As a eleven-year old, Jo had loved hearing that from him. From Lacey, from her father, she used to adore the fact that these people in her life cared so much about her that they would protect her. Being told that they were just trying to protect her at this age, in this situation only made her angry. Rico, Danny, Lacey, her parents, every person in this world. None of them had the right to protect her, to do anything that they thought would keep her safe. She was sick of it, sick of being told daily what she was to do. Sick of fighting for Danny, which only lead to heart-ache.

Jo had heard the lyrics, she had just like everyone else seen the silly teenage movies where the girls cried their eyes out about being heartbroken. She never thought that she would experience the kind of pain that they obviously felt. Jo was certain of that she would never cry for a boy. She never thought that she would be one of those sad girls. Yet there she was, unable to feel anything but the shattering and constantly growing pain that she for some reason couldn't seem to deal with. Wasn't crying supposed to make things better, wasn't getting your emotions out supposed to make the pain decrease? Well it wasn't, the pain felt as present as it had since seeing the video. Truth be told, she wasn't sure what hurt the most. Was it Danny, not loving her? Or was it that Lacey had lied to her? Or maybe the reason was that she had in merely a day lost all her friends as well as having made the biggest mistake of her life. She didn't love him; Tyler. He was cute, he was fun, he was charming, but at the end of the day, he wasn't Danny.

He didn't see her.

The house was surprisingly quiet, with only the sound of Jo's crying being heard. But then again, when Jo was hurting she suddenly noticed how everything grew bigger. Her room was no longer made for her, she no longer belonged there. The house with all the decorations no longer felt as if placed there for the same girl to use, to create a life in. Since five years ago, she had trouble expressing and dealing with her emotions. At first she was sad, people told her that being sad was okay. Then Lacey happened, and in some way she began removing the emotions she felt. Never had they gotten too powerful for her to handle. But sitting there on the bed, Jo suddenly felt a part of her snap. The emotions inside of her pressed against different parts of her body as if trying to press its way out. Breathing hard and rapidly, Jo got up from the bed. The world around her still blurry, which was strangely right. She walked quickly, her earlier numb legs now tingling. Standing in front of the mirror she could hardly recognize the girl in front of her. The curly, blond mop of hair were a mess, her eyes red as was her face. Placing her hands on each side of the sink, she couldn't help but notice how vigorously they trembled. She had no control, she hated not having any control. Jo hated being at the mercy of her feelings, she hated the fact that Danny, Lacey, Rico, her father, Tyler, had pushed her over the edge. Despite not even knowing that they had done it.

"Oh god," she whimpered, just speaking caused the pain to double, making her slide down to the floor. Her head leaned against the cold wall behind her felt strangely comfortable.

Jo, couldn't think of anything more painful than emotional hurt. Physical she could deal with, this kind of pain however was not something she could deal with. It wasn't anything she wanted to deal with. She glanced at the razorblade, it had happened before. A few times after Danny had killed his aunt Tara, Jo had felt so much pain. Too much pain, almost, for her to handle. She had thought about doing it, but she had never gone as far as to actually do it. She could feel the same desire pull her towards it this time. Just one cut, she thought, just a tiny one to get something to focus on. Another kind of pain, a more bearable kind of pain. Her tears still ran down her cheeks, but now much slower. Her breathing had steadied as she moved towards the other end of the bathroom. She had already made up her mind as she took the blade. Jo did not want to die, she just wanted a more bearable pain to handle. That was the only reason she would do it, because everything was better than this. Everything. She placed the blade on her wrist, then further down, and then she made the cut. It didn't bleed a lot, it didn't hurt to bad. Just bad enough to make the emotional pain less strong for only a moment. The next cut, made it easier to cope with the fact that Rico probably hated her now. The third cut, made it easier to understand why Lacey had lied to her. And so it continued, each and every cut made it easier to understand something about this screwed up thing which she called her life. But no matter how many cuts she made, her heart wouldn't mend itself. It was still undoubtable, unchangeably broken by Danny Desai.

**I got this idea after having watched episode ten and eleven. Jo is without doubt my favorite-character and I ship her and Danny so hard. This is probably very out of character, and it is also very short but .. to explain the first one I love angst and the way I see it with the things that Jo had gone through I'd say that she wold probably have a very hard time dealing with certain things. And as for how short this is, I am very sorry, unless you hated it because then you are very welcome that this is so short! :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

Jo had told her father that she needed one day. Just one day away from school, and everyone inside of it to collect her thoughts one could call it. But as she opened her eyes the next day, woken up by the inhuman noise from her alarm clock one day just didn't feel like it was enough. Her arms ached, and moving her hands up and down her arms she could feel the scars through the thin fabric that were the only thing covering them up. Had she expected to feel guilty, a bit stupid and silly maybe? Yeah, but staring up at the ceiling with the tips of her fingers still touching the scars she didn't feel any of those things. For some reason, Jo couldn't even begin to understand why, she felt empowered. They wanted to protect her they said, well how were they supposed to protect her from herself? The idea of it all sounded crazy, and even brought a broken smile to her face.

She was nowhere ready to face reality. She didn't wanna see Tyler, or Danny, or Lacey for that matter. In fact, today was just one of those days where she felt like permanently gluing her earphones into her ears and close off the world for the remaining part of her life.

A banging on her door woke her up from her thoughts, she didn't even want to see her own parents at the moment. The door opened and her mother looked down on her. Jo couldn't remember a time before her eleventh birthday when her mother looked worried. Before that she had been pretty much all smiles and sunshine. And then after that day, after Danny killed his aunt Tara and Jo had become what her therapist called unstable. It appeared as if worried was the only facial expression on her mothers face these days. Even more after Danny had returned.

"Are you ready for school?" Oh, school.

Jo felt sick at the thought of it, yet managed to reply yes before getting up from the bed. Her movements felt stiff, and for a moment she felt afraid despite not having any idea why. She walked into her closet, looking around at the pieces of clothing. Her mother had left, obviously understanding that there was nothing she could say at that moment to make Jo feel any better.

Clothes, long sleeves, that was a given. She was used to being the school-freak. The one that no one wanted to hang out with, except for Rico, but he probably didn't want anything to do with her now either. That however didn't meant that she wanted to show off her set of scars. That would probably make her more of an outcast than she already was.

_How did they look?_ She looked at the reflections of her arms in the mirror, despite the fact that she was the only one knowing that the scars were there it felt as if everyone knew what she had done the other night. Of course that was impossible, no one could know, no one would ever know. Yet there was an annoying emotion in the back of her head, an annoying question that kept entering her mind. She almost felt pathetic, almost being the key-word. For wondering, if Danny would notice that something was up with her. Would he look straight into her eyes, see through her act and just know that something was wrong? Jo shrugged, as she removed the long-sleeved shirt she wore, for the first time seeing the scars for herself. There were at least five on each arm, all of them sporting an angry red color. Somewhere deeper than others, making the less deeper ones just look like scratch-marks. She had done that to herself, she had done that. She was supposed to feel guilty, to feel as if she was a selfish person, to want to tell someone. Looking at the scars however, she felt thankful. Jo had finally found the outlet she needed, she had finally found a way to turn the emotional pain she felt into something bearable. She doubted that anyone else would see it that way, if she told anyone they would just tell her parents. And this would turn into something it wasn't. People would assume that she wanted to kill herself, that she had done this for Danny. Neither were true. Jo didn't want to die, she wanted to cope. And she didn't do this because Danny, didn't love her back. Him not loving her was part of the reason she felt so much pain in the first place. But he wasn't the only reason. No one would understand. She would just have to act like everything was fine. A smile appeared on her face, she could do that. She was an actor for christ sakes, which is why she had gotten to play the leaf in the school play when they were kids. Because she knew how to act.

She felt confident and brave walking down the stairs to join her parents. She even managed to tease them, despite the dull pain that was pressing down over her chest. On her way to school, Jo admitted to herself that the pain were growing stronger. It felt as if everyone was watching her, their eyes filled with questions that she didn't want to answer. She barely responded to her dad wishing her a good day, she was too caught up in her thoughts about who she was supposed to hang out with the day to come. As well as the rest of the school year. Rico had told her that he was in love with her, and she had responded that she didn't know what to say. She didn't love him, not like that. Did he feel hurt, was he angry with her?

"Hi." there he was. Rico had his hands down his pockets appearing to think that this situation was as awkward as she thought. Jo absent-mindedly pulled a string of hair and placed it behind her ear.

"I didn't know if you still wanted to talk to me." Rico scoffed, looking up at her with a smile on his face. "I'm really sorry."

"I just wanted you to know." he said, his voice honest as ever and he looked straight into her eyes. "I knew you didn't feel the same way about me. But I just wanted you to know."

"You're my friend, Rico." Jo said, not sure what else she was supposed to tell him. She didn't love him, not like that. He wasn't her best friend, not yet. He was more of a brother, the closest to one she would ever have.

"You're my friend too, Jo." he responded, for the first time an awkward silence appeared between them and Rico for the first time didn't seem bothered by it. "Have you seen Lacey or ...?"

"No." Jo interrupted, shaking her head. The pain in her chest grew heavier, and breathing suddenly became a harder task than before. But Rico didn't seem to notice.

"If you want to talk about it, just let me know." Jo managed to suppress the tears that were suddenly filling her eyes. She shook her head.

"It's fine." she began, Jo hated the fact that just talking about them were enough to make her voice tremble. "We should really get to class."

To that Rico had no answer, and silently they walked into the school side by side. Jo breathed heavily, attempting to guide her feelings towards something else. To guide her thoughts away from the scars on her arms, as well as the need to do it again. Soon.

Jo thought that it would slip her mind, maybe during class or at least some time during the day. That she would just forget what she wanted to do, that the entire event would cut itself from her memory and the want to cut would just vanish along with gut wrenching pain she felt. Neither of those things happened, the pain was still very much present when lunch arrived, as the wish to cut. Rico didn't seem to notice how absent-minded she had been and had gone on and on about the tests, school and a bunch of other stuff which Jo hadn't been able to remember. She hadn't seen Danny, nor Lacey the entire day and felt thankful for that. By lunch she felt somewhat hopeful that maybe she wouldn't see them. Acting in front of Lacey, that she could do. Jo had acted in front of Lacy for five years straight, and the person she had considered her best friend once had never looked through her act. Danny however, it felt as if a fist took a hold of her heart and pressed it together. Danny just knew when she was acting, she never understood what she did wrong. What did he see, which no one else seemed to see. What signs gave her away?

"Jo, we don't have to go there." startled Jo looked at Ric, he looked uneasy. "Don't look on the other end of the room, by the windows."

Jo knew what she would see if she looked over there, yet as any time before she did. Jo hadn't listened to Rico that first time when he told her not to look over. And just like that first time, Danny Desai met her eyes, just like that first time, Danny dropped whatever he was doing and began walking across the room towards them. Her mind screamed, run, her heart was beating violently, almost making her throw up. Her arms ached more than this morning, and she felt as if she needed to hide them. It felt as if she was standing naked and Danny could see everything, including the scars. She wasn't so sure how long it took for him to get to them, but it felt as no time at all.

"Hi." Jo could feel her arms trembling, just at that single word, he didn't seem to notice.

"What do you want?" she had wanted to sound cold, as if him talking to her, standing there and looking down on her with those brown eyes didn't make her heart flutter. As if his presence didn't cause the pain to grow, making it next to unbearable. But instead of sounding like that, her voice had come out weak, almost like a whisper. Danny frowned at the sound of it.

"Are you okay?" he asked, sounding and looking at her suspiciously. Jo held her arms around her waist, the feeling of being naked in front of him still not having gone away.

"I'm fine." she responded. "Super, actually."

"I just wanted to say that I'm sorry, Jo." she let out a short laugh. "You're my best friend, I didn't, we didn't want to hurt your feelings. You know that all we ever wanted was to protect you."

"Well Danny, I am hurt. And newsflash, we are not best friends anymore. You don't need to protect me, and you can't protect me anymore." she pushed herself past him, with just one thought in mind, wanting to get away from this situation, wanting to remove the pain that came along with it. Danny however, took a hold of her wrist, causing her to turn around facing him once more.

The scars were located just below, it was pure luck, she thought, pure luck that he hadn't grabbed it. He dropped her arm, the moment he noticed that she was staring at it.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Jo didn't answer. "I can't protect you anymore, you said that, now I'm asking what's that supposed to mean?"

Jo shook her head.

"It's not supposed to mean anything okay." she responded. "Not a damn thing."

Without another word, she took off down the hallway, no one called for her to wait. No one followed her, and somewhere along the way the need to get away from Danny turned into a need to get away from the school. Which later turned into a wish to get home. That's where she found herself, an hour later. Her heart pounding in her chest, making her believe that it was about to push its way out of her chest cage and kill her. That's where she found herself, watching the blood drop from her arms, as she dealt with the pain.

**I probably forgot to mention in my profile that I am easily persuaded. As in, very easily persuaded. As in so easy to convince that the one review that my first chapter got was enough to make me want to write more. However, I am going to warn you that this fic will probably be AU, not really following the series from episode 11 and forwards. And I have no idea how many chapters this will be. Let me know what you think!**


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